


Rewind

by yanori



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Lots of Near Death Experiences Oof, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, Time Travel, Unrequited Love, Yugbam Angst, kpop, yugbam - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 20:51:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14723396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yanori/pseuds/yanori
Summary: all it takes is one rewind, and in a split second, everything changes.~~~bambam never asked to fall in love with yugyeom. it just happened automatically, as falling in love usually does. but he also never asked for such complications to occur because of something he thought he could keep hidden, and as a completely different side of reality comes to the forefront, he must face his feelings and deal with the truth-he's in love with kim yugyeom, and he can't keep it a secret forever.~~~UNFINISHED. i didn’t know where this story was going from the beginning and i still don’t, so i don’t think i’ll be continuing it. i’m planning a thorough outline of a different yugbam story though, so please be looking forward to that in the meantime. i apologize.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> * intentional lowercase  
> * pls give feedback i live for it  
> * enjoy :) i’ll try and update frequently

i was hopelessly in love with my best friend. 

there wasn't really another way to put how i felt into words, even though being 'in love' with him was definitely something i didn't want. he was my best friend, after all. but love, i realize now, isn't something i can just pick and choose the circumstances of.

so i sit. i sit here, admiring the way the sweat rolls down his forehead, and the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs at some dumb joke jackson makes. how broad his shoulders are, and the way that they move when he chuckles. the way he glances over at me with that sweet, sweet smile on his face that makes my muscles weak and my lips curl upward in response almost immediately.

i love him, and believe me, it's rough, because i know i'm not supposed to. 

"bambam, come here. listen to jackson's joke." yugyeom says, his voice almost making me shiver (i make sure i don't).

i force myself to roll my eyes instead, shifting my weight off of my left hip and beginning the walk over to my two bandmates. i mentally check myself, making sure i won't say something stupid when i get there, and i smile again when i finally stop in front of them. 

"what is it?" i question, widening my eyes expectantly as i turn to look at jackson. 

"alright, are you ready for this?" he asks, widening his stance before looking up at me with squinted eyes. i can't help it, and already i let out a small chuckle. 

"i guesso." i answer, and yugyeom's already laughing again before jackson's even started his joke. 

"so, you're korean before you walk into the bathroom, right? and you're korean after you walk out, but what are you when you're in the bathroom?" he asks seriously, and yugyeom's just about lost it at this point because i can see him stumbling in my peripheral vision, his hand covering his mouth. 

"uhhh, i don't know? korean?" i guess, furrowing my brows in confusion at the joke. it already sounds dumb, but what else did i expect? we're exhausted young men who don't know what to do with ourselves when we can't get more than five hours of sleep in each night. 

"nah. european." jackson finishes, and he's giggling right beside yugyeom again. the taller boy bumps into jackson with another laugh, letting his arm fall as he looks over at me, grinning. and pretty soon, i'm laughing too.

"how tired are you guys?" i question, and even though i will admit, the joke was lowkey funny, my laughter is mostly from the way yugyeom's stumbling and jackson is still sputtering from his words. it's not unusual for them to act this way when we've had an extra busy schedule lately. yugyeom and jackson seem to ignore the question though, and before i know it yugyeom is bumping into me, too, resting his head on my shoulder and finally steadying himself somewhat as he continues to laugh. 

i look down at him, reaching around to pat his back lightly as he leans against me. "did you stay up on your phone or something?"

"just for a little while. it wasn't that late, really." yugyeom reassures, even though i know his definition of 'wasn't that late' means two or three in the morning. it's hard to scold him when he's hanging on me like this though, and all i can really focus on is how nice it feels to have him against me and how fast my heart is beating. 

"you need to go to bed sooner." i suggest, and to my dismay, he finally straightens out. i want to always hold him. i wish i could. 

"eh, i'll be fine." he says, spinning back around on his heels so fast i'm afraid he'll fall over. he keeps his balance though, walking over to youngjae to ask him some question. i watch him for far longer than i should, but how can i not? he's everything i've ever wanted, but can't have. it hurts, because i know i can't have him. 

for one, he's straight. he has a serious relationship now with this model, jiyeon, who he met at a party. plus, on top of that, it would be hard to be anything in our situation anyway. the company would completely disapprove, who knows what the band members would think, and we could barely act like a couple even if we wanted to. but it doesn't stop me from wanting it. i want all of that with him so bad. i don't care how hard it would be. it's practically impossible, but i want that impossibility, and it eats me out from the inside. 

"anyone watching you would think you have a crush on him. chill out with the heart eyes, bam." jackson says, tearing me from my thoughts immediately. the statement caught me off guard. 

"what? i'm just worried about him. you know how he gets when he's tired." i answer quickly, the excuse slipping from my lips easily. i've gotten pretty good at covering up my true feelings towards the other boy, even though i wish i could be honest about it. 

"yeah, i know. i'm worried about him too... especially since he's going through a rough time right now." jackson says, and even though i know i should be more sympathetic, hearing him say that makes me want to roll my eyes. 

yugyeom and his girlfriend had been fighting lately. why? who knows. yugyeom doesn't ever talk about it. all any of us know is that it's really been bothering him, and he keeps losing sleep and being distant because of her. it's hella frustrating, because she's just a girl. she shouldn't be affecting his job, his friends, and everything else in his life, yet she does, and he lets her. 

i do my best not to let that show, though, especially since i know i would be more sympathetic if i didn't like him so much. i would be just as supportive as a best friend should be. but the fact that i want to be more than a best friend holds me back from being the kind of best friend that yugyeom needs. 

"yeah... i wonder what's going on though. he never opens up about it, you know?" I answer truthfully. my eyes travel back to the boy after that statement, looking over him as he continues to converse with youngjae. 

"i know. that's the one thing that bothers me. i'm sure they'll get through it though. they don't usually fight for long." jackson says, and he's right, their fights don't usually last forever. however, they are quite frequent, and it's kind of annoying. 

i nod in response, letting out a small sigh before turning to return back to where i had been before yugyeom called me over. i lean down to grab my water bottle, taking a few gulps before setting it back down and straightening back up, turning my gaze to the door as our dance instructor walks through. that signifies that our break is over, and i can hear my bandmates shuffling around to stand at attention. 

"alright guys, let's get back to it."

and with that statement, all seven of us get back to work. 

***

the practice is extremely tiring as always, and by the end of it, all of us are exhausted. we put all of our time and effort into making sure that every dance practice means something, to make sure that our performance will be perfect when it finally comes along. it's hard, though, and afterwards, we're all ready to go home and relax for the rest of the night.

i shove my water bottle into the pouch on the side of my bag as my bandmates get ready to leave as well, ignoring the tickling sensation i get from droplets of sweat dripping down my forehead and underneath my shirt, along my chest. i can't wait to get home, take a shower, and go to sleep. 

i'm one of the first to be ready, which is unusual, but i hold back my complaints about the others taking too long because i know they're just as tired as i am. i wait patiently until we're all ready to go, falling into place beside yugyeom as we all move in a group towards the door and outside of the building towards the van that will take us back to the dorm. 

i'm quick to lean against yugyeom for leverage, and even though i know he's probably tired too, i'll take every chance i can get to be close to him. he only glances down at me and manages a small smile before we all pile into the van quietly, no one really saying much. it's always like this after practice. no one has much energy to do anything except what we have to do to get home. 

i sit in the back next to the window with yugyeom, pressed up against him and leaning my head on his shoulder. he doesn't seem to mind, and he never does, but it's never as satisfying as i want it to be when i lean on him. he never responds with any affection back, just sitting still. his arms rest in his lap, his eyes trailing over to the window and staying their throughout the whole ride. 

i wish he would wrap his arm around me. hold my hand, look at me. anything that would show any sense of the same type of affection, but i get nothing, and it hurts, every time. sure, i've had time to get used to it and get over it. but love isn't easy to ignore, and even though i hate admitting that, i know it's true. i'm just unlucky enough to be in love with someone who could never love me back.

with those thoughts, the ride always seems to last an eternity. i sit and think, and think, and think, and it never seems to stop. it's an endless cycle that repeats itself continuously until the van comes to a stop. it pulls into the driveway of our dorm, the driver carefully pressing on the brakes to make sure he doesn't disturb us in case anyone had fallen asleep on the ride home. every time, at least one of us does, and this time it's mark, who has to be carried out of the van by an exhausted jackson who looks like he might drop the taiwanese boy at any second. he manages to get inside, though, the rest of us following silently behind him. 

yugyeom and i break off from the group after our shoes are removed, following our usual routine. our room is the closest to the door, just past the kitchen and living room and the first door in the hallway. he opens the door and enters first, and i follow sluggishly behind, pulling it closed behind me with a yawn. 

"do you want to take a shower first, or do you want me to?" i question, walking over to my dresser to gather clothes for a shower. the only thing that ever changes from night to night is who takes a shower first. that's the one thing we don't have a schedule for. 

"uh, you can go first. i'm gonna call jiyeon for a few minutes, so you can take your time if you want." yugyeom answers softly, plopping down on his bed with a drawn out sigh. i glance back over at him, an eyebrow raised. 

"you sure that's a good idea? i know you guys aren't on best terms right now, and i don't think it would be wise to call her and end up arguing right before bed. you won't get any sleep then." i say, pulling the clothes i collected for pajamas to my chest as i wait for an answer.

he groans, rolling his eyes. "i'm not gonna get any sleep whether i talk to her and argue again or not. i hate fighting with her, so i'd rather take a chance and try to make up."

"okay, whatever." i answer, turning my gaze away and trying not to act like his exasperation didn't kind of hurt my feelings. i only care for his well being. not getting enough sleep isn't good for him, or for the group for that matter. i purse my lips and keep my mouth shut even despite these thoughts though, not wanting to make yugyeom upset with me because i can tell he's already on edge with jiyeon. 

i make my way over to our shared bathroom, opening the door and shutting it quietly behind me before getting around so i can shower and then get back out to go to bed. i just hope he won't stay on call with her for too long so i can actually get some sleep. there's been too many nights where their sweet talk has kept me up because yugyeom's so damn loud whenever he talks to her. 

it's a different kind of loud tonight, though. even in the shower, i can hear him raise his voice, his frustration evident through his tone. i can't hear him clearly enough to tell what he's going on about, but i can tell that tensions are high, so even when i finish everything i need to, i sit down in the tub, letting the water continue to run so i don't have to get out and walk in on whatever bickering is going on between the two. 

the water feels nice, even though i feel slightly uncomfortable because yugyeom only seems to get angrier. my exhaustion continues to seep its way into me though, relaxing my muscles and calming my thoughts, and before i know it i'm leaning back against the back of the tub and closing my eyes without a second thought. i drown out the sound of yugyeom's voice that's still going on and on, only through the thin door and a few feet away.

i don't even know how long it lasts. it could've been for as long as an hour, but i'm almost asleep before it finally stops and i manage to get up and turn off the shower, drying myself and finally getting dressed. i exit the bathroom as slowly and quietly as i can manage, looking up but forcing myself to pretend like i'm not concerned by how yugyeom looks. he's curled up on his bed, his body shaking as he cries softly. his phone is laying in the middle of the floor, his screen lighting up with a message from his girlfriend. i doubt it says anything nice, based on the way it sounded like things were going before, but i can't bring myself to pry and see what it really says. 

i don't say anything at all as i make my way over to my bed, not even notifying yugyeom that he can use the shower. it's not a good idea to bother him when he's upset like this, even though i want to. i want to walk over there, and wrap my arms around him, and tell him things are okay. things will be okay, because i love him, and i'll always be there. i won't be mean to him, or try to take advantage of him like she does. i'll always make time for him. i'll always be there when he needs me, and i'll always listen.

but as i settle down in my bed, pulling the covers over me and continuing to listen to yugyeom even though i wish i could drown him out, i know i can't do any of those things. i can't say any of those things, because even if i did, he wouldn't care. he doesn't like me like that, and he never will. he'll never see me that way, and he never has. and although that's a sad thought, it's a frequent one when he's upset like this.

because i'm in love with my best friend, and my best friend will never love me back.


	2. Chapter 2

the next morning doesn't go so well. it's hard enough for me to pull myself out of bed, but i dread waking up yugyeom even more when i realize that he's still sleeping. 

with yugyeom, things like this can go one of two ways. along the easier route, yugyeom won't let his arguments cause other arguments with the rest of our bandmates. with the small little things, he's usually pretty good about that. but from what i can tell, the fight he and jiyeon hs last night probably won't let everything today be that simple. 

it takes me the whole time i'm getting ready and pulling on different outfits to actually gather up enough courage to walk over to his bed, biting my lip before lightly tapping him on the shoulder. "yugyeom? it's time to wake up bud." 

all i get is a groan in response, and the boy only tightens himself into his little ball, pulling the blanket over his head. i sigh, standing there silently for a second, tapping my foot anxiously before i move forward again.

"yugyeom, c'mon. you gotta get up." i touch his shoulder again, but this time he flinches, scooting as far as he can manage to get to the wall.

"oh my god, bambam. you're not my mom. leave me alone, i don't feel good." yugyeom answers, tightening his grip on the blanket. i know he's lying. when yugyeom's actually sick, he does everything he can to push through it before giving in. he only ever wants to stay in the dorm when he's upset. 

"yeah, right. c'mon, let's go. get up." i say, reaching down to start to pull at yugyeom's blanket. the moment i start to really tug though, yugyeom flips back around and gives me a nice kick to the gut, sending me stumbling back a few steps.

it's doesn't hurt, really. i'm just surprised he would even think of kicking me. i've had several rough mornings with yugyeom, but he usually gives in by the time i pull the blanket off of him. so as the small ache from the kick starts in, i'm pushed a little past being annoyed. 

"fine," i snap, placing my hands on my hips defiantly, "don't blame me when jaebum comes and yells at you and the manager is pissed at us for being late." 

i turn aggressively on my heels after that, snatching my phone from its place on top of my

dresser where it was charging. i'm sick of stuff like this. sick of walking on eggshells just because he's having girl troubles. i'm supposed to be his best friend. i'm supposed to do stuff like wake him up in the morning, and advise him on things. that's what a best friend should do, but he seems to only push me further away the more i try. 

so i don't say another word as i exit our shared room, his moodiness contributing to my own as i make my way to the kitchen. mark's made some pancakes, and although they smell and look good, i barely have an appetite. the rest of the band eats happily, though, talking quietly amongst themselves. jackson and jinyoung manage glances to me, giving me a small smile although i don't really make an effort to return it. 

"morning, bam. where's yugyeom?" mark says over his shoulder as he pulls more pancakes off of the small griddle he's using. 

"sleeping still. he literally kicked me when i tried to wake him up. he kicked me." i answer exasperatedly, plopping down in my usual seat at the table. 

mark only chuckles, and i shoot him a glare as he sets a plate with two pancakes in front of me. "he's in a bad mood then?"

i roll my eyes, straightening up a little bit and grabbing the syrup so i can douse my pancakes in it. "yeah. he fought with jiyeon again last night, i think." 

"not surprising." mark answers quietly, and i can't help but crack a small smile at that. if anyone's even slightly as annoyed as me about yugyeom and jiyeon, it's him, and i'm quite thankful for that. it's nice to have someone else who isn't all over them whenever they do something cute or whatever. 

i turn my attention back to my food after that, pouring the syrup out and cutting the pancakes into small pieces. i don't even notice it when jaebum gets up and leaves, only realizing that the boy's missing when he returns a minute later with a groggy yugyeom. the taller boy takes his usual seat beside me, but he's just as grumpy as he had been when i tried to wake him up, seeming significantly stiff beside me. 

it's petty, i know. for me to be mad at him when he was just annoyed that i was trying to wake him up. but it's his reason for being difficult that's infuriating. all of this, because of some girl. he doesn't even want to wake up in the morning because he's fighting with this girl, who i doubt gene cares about him as much as she says she does. she's so obviously materialistic that's it's practically cringeworthy. so i spend the rest of the breakfast in silence because of that frustration, barely touching any more of my pancakes even though they're some of the best mark has made to date. 

the breakfast wraps up quickly after yugyeom's arrival, jaebum continuously fussing about how the younger is going to make them late, and pretty soon after that, we're all piling in the van once again. we're supposed to do some filming through a zoo today, and while usually something like that is relaxing, i'm not looking forward to it, because that means putting a lot of work forward and pretending like i'm not extremely irritated with how yugyeom's acting. i do my best to keep a good attitude throughout the car ride though, putting headphones in and listening to the cheeriest music i can manage to find in my library. 

thankfully, it seems to help me work through most of my funk. being more awake helps with it too, my own grogginess having contributed to a lot of my anger from the early morning. i can't say the same for yugyeom, though, because as the van is parked and we're all getting out, i can tell his mood is the same based on the way he carries himself. his shoulders are visibly slumped, his eyes are slightly bloodshot, and his feet drag behind him with every step. and although the reason behind his foul attitude is annoying to me, i still care about him. i still hate it when he's upset. i still hate it when he's sad, mad, and even though it makes me frustrated sometimes too, i'll always still care. that's just how it is when you love someone, even when you don't want to. 

i drop to the back to walk beside him when all seven of us start moving, sticking close together behind our manager and some of the security workers. thankfully, the zoo isn't too busy today, especially since it's earlier in the morning and there's a chance of rain, but we never know what could happen, and it's good to have protection around just in case. i will admit, sometimes being so widely popular can get scary. it's like all sense of privacy is out the window, and going out in public is a gamble. sometimes, it turns out great. other days, not so much. 

we make it in without much trouble though, and before the cameras start rolling, i manage to turn to yugyeom and get a few words in. "you holding up alright?"

"i'm fine." he answers back simply, but i can hear the warning in his voice. it's not my place to pry. so i just nod, even though i want to tell him she's not worth it. she's not worth him being so upset over, but i can't control who he has feelings for– even though i wish he had feelings like that for me. 

after the short exchange of words, the cameras are on, and jackson's happily explaining how excited he is to see all the animals. youngjae's bouncing beside him, but yugyeom and i stay just out of shot, somber and quiet. i know he doesn't want to do this, but at some point, he's gonna have to get over it and suck it up. so i make it my goal to put some pep in his step.

we start moving again a second later, walking down the concrete path that leads down to one of the enclosures. it's nothing too fancy, since most of the exotic animals are at the back, but i don't mind, making the best of even the smallest of things in a desperate attempt to get any sense of a cheerful reaction from him. 

"yugyeom, look. it's a baby fox." i give the taller boy a sweet smile, lifting my arm to point to the small figure in the cage as we get closer and closer to it. the others are already fawning over it, but i tune them out, doing my best to be gentle about it for him since i know he's sensitive right now.

"yeah..." he answers, his brows furrowing a bit, like he's confused i would point such a thing out. "it's cute."

"right?" i agree quickly, happy to get something else out of him. "look at the way it trots. it's just so tiny."

i chuckle as it walks across the front of the cage, losing sight of it for a moment as it passes behind our bandmates heads that are pressed up against the glass separating them. i hear yugyeom manage a small chuckle beside me, too, and although the progress is minimal, it's something. he barely smiles, but at least his lips curl up the slightest. it's better than what he's been giving all morning, at least.

i don't try and press much more than that on just the fox, not wanting to annoy him and further ruin his mood, but the small accomplishment does inspire me to keep trying. if i can't pull him completely away from jiyeon, maybe i can help him to realize that he can still be happy without her. if they end up breaking up, he still needs to be able to function. he can't be like this every morning.

as usual though, the rest of the guys dwell on the baby fox far longer than i really appreciate, jackson screeching about how it's little tail bounces and youngjae laughing loudly beside him. jinyoung and jaebum are just watching it carefully, and mark chuckles beside them, all while yugyeom and i continue to stay back, his arms cross and my left hand placed on my hip sassily. i love zoos, but coming to zoos with these dorks is fun and annoying at the same time. they could sit and stare at one single animal for hours at a time if they got the chance. 

between the prodding of the cameramen and our obvious disinterest, though, it's not too long before we're moving along to the next enclosure, and we continue to move through the zoo. although yugyeom and i don't talk much, we're put in front of the cameras rather frequently, and yugyeom seems to be holding up alright. between my constant attempts to cheer him up and the need to put on a good face for the cameras, he doesn't seem as distraught as he had been in the morning. to anyone who knows him well, he's still obviously upset, but at least he's not completely torn up. progress, when it comes to kim yugyeom, is small, but significant. 

thankfully, he stays that way throughout most of the trip... or what's left of the trip. 

we're at the lion enclosure when it happens. i'm on a bench, sitting beside yugyeom since i haven't left his side since we arrived. things are still going pretty decently, thankfully, but there's no warning at all when all of a sudden, the clouds give in. there wasn't even a light sprinkle beforehand. it's just an immediate downpour, causing me to jump slightly and at first, i don't even realize how hard the rain is. i'm only shocked by how fast it came on. 

i'm shaken from my thoughts when i hear a particularly loud shriek from jackson, though, and yugyeom tugs on my arm not soon after. "bam, get up."

my gaze immediately shoots to him,  my eyes locking onto his for a bit longer than they should. it hasn't been raining for but a few seconds then, but he looks so handsome with his hair like that- some tufts of it still soft, but other pieces pushed down and matted to his forehead. how can i not stare like this when someone so beautiful is right in front of me?

"bam?" he tugs on my arm once again, and finally, i'm pulled completely from my trance, trying to hold back a blush from embarrassment. did it weird him out? did he even really notice? had i stared for too long? 

i have a moment of slight panic, my heart beat speeding up significantly, but i manage to pull myself from the bench after i catch myself, rushing behind yugyeom. the other band members aren't too far ahead, some holding their jackets over their heads as they rush towards the small pavillion that's a bit too far for anyone's liking, given the situation. 

beside me though, i hear yugyeom chuckle. the sweet, sweet sound of his tiny little laugh. the chuckle that's so unique to him, and just him, and a chuckle that's rare to hear lately, especially since he and jiyeon have been fighting. but he giggles his little heart away now, his hand still wrapped tightly around my arm as he pulls me along. 

i'd be lying if i said my heart didn't flutter. it seems to skip a beat for a moment, actually. i almost choke on my next breath because of it, but i recover quickly by letting out a small laugh myself, even though the misfortunate situation isn't as comical as one might think when they're stuck in the rain. i laugh along right beside him though, breaking into a jog as we get closer and closer to the pavillion, even though now i don't really want to be dry. 

i'd stay in the rain all day if it meant being with yugyeom like this. 

***

when we get finally get home after a rainy and exhausting day of filming, it's back to the usual routine. taking our shoes off, breaking off to our room, deciding the order in which to shower. the same as always. except tonight, once i'm finished with my shower since yugyeom had gone first, it's different than yesterday. 

there's no high pitched voice filling the room that used to be saved for deep conversations between just my best friend and i. there's no foreign giggles from some girl i barely know, or chuckles returned by the boy i know too well. there's no raised voices, or broken and muffled cries that make me want to cry, too. it's just the two of us, like it used to be, settling down for bed without much of a word spoken until we're all set and tucked in. 

"bambam?" he speaks after both of us lay there in the dark for a moment, neither of us really trying hard enough to make an effort to get sleep even though we're equally as worn out. 

i hum in response, turning in my spot slightly so i'm facing his bed, even though i can't see him. i can imagine him, though. his eyes full of thought like always, his hair falling perfectly in his eyes, begging to be brushed away. the exact image of a perfect human being, if perfection was ever achievable.

"thanks for today. things could've been a lot worse." he says simply, but for some reason, even just those words send a shiver down my spine. he continues a second later, "i know i can always count on you."

i nod, staying silent for a moment before i realize he can't hear my gestures. i let out a small chuckle after that, finding my own cluelessness slightly amusing, before finally answering. "it's no problem. i just hate seeing you upset."

i respond honestly. i do hate seeing him upset, but no matter what i do, or what the circumstances, i will never admit that i wish he would give it up with her. what if he was to ever ask why? would i ever have a truly valid reason other than how i truly felt? maybe i only hate her because she can have what i wish was mine. maybe she seems so horrible to me only because i'm the one being selfish. with all of these what ifs, how could i say such a thing to him?

so i live through a life of half-truths, trusting no one with the secrets that i have only ever trusted myself with, and will only ever trust myself with. 

"well it means a lot, you know." yugyeom says, and my attention is pulled back to him once again. it's amazing, really. how easily he can completely capture my attention. "things are just really rough with jiyeon right now, and i don't know how to fix it. i don't know what i'd do without you."

the words seem deceptive to me. how could he say such things like that? what would he do without me? he would continue on living. he would grow old, and marry jiyeon, and have a life with her. i would only be the sad best friend with a tragic end to a short life story that no one ever knew about. 

"yeah, i know." i answer back, although the words don't come out as strongly as i would like. if he ever notices, he doesn't say anything on it. i'm thankful that he doesn't, because if he were ever to question any of my actions, i wouldn't have any truthful response to give. i would just lie through my teeth, as i always do, and pretend everything was okay, even though everything isn't. 

we don't say anything else that night, and i'm not sure how long we both lay awake in silence, since i know we weren't sleeping even several minutes after we quit speaking. we lay awake there, together in the quiet, enjoying just the presence of one another for a long while before sleep inevitably nears us and forces us unconscious.


	3. Chapter 3

one step after the other, repeated over and over until all seven of us could do the movements in our sleep. one motion leading into the next, consecutively building up and then coming back down, the squeaking of our shoes cutting through the sound of the music as it plays behind us. it's another one of those days. one of those days of hard and grueling practice, each of us working to the highest possible point that we can push ourselves and one another to. it's what makes us the best that we can be. 

sometimes, it's hard for me to believe that this is what i signed up for. when i entered this industry, i didn't realize how much something like this takes out of you. i didn't realize how many hours of sleep i'd be losing, how much sense of normality would be taken from me. i didn't realize any of these things, and sometimes i wonder that if i did, would i still be here? would i still be willing to take on such a challenge every day, without a fan base and a band like family to keep pushing me foreword? it's kind of depressing to think about, but really. i can't help but wonder. 

nonetheless though, whether i would have still been here or not, i'm here now. i'm dancing along right beside my bandmates who have become more like brothers, pushing myself to the limit so i won't let a single one of them down. making myself the best that i can be so i won't hold them down. sweat drips from the tip of my nose and some even gets in my eyes, stinging slightly, but i know i can never give up. because giving up on myself means giving up on them, and i could never give up on them. ever. 

the rest must have the same sense of responsibility, because none of us even dream of stopping until the instructor tells us practice has come to a close. we don't complain, or share with one another how much we wish it would be over. we save that for after the work is done, when we have a right to say such things. 

so when we finally finish, all of us heaving heavily, i can hear jackson finally let out a loud sigh of relief, echoed by yugyeom and jinyoung not long afterwards. i chuckle a little bit at the sound, and even though i'm beat, it's still slightly comical. no matter how many times we go through the same thing, practically every second of the task is mimicked in the same fashion it had been before. 

we all stand in our spots for a moment, regaining ourselves as most of us likely debate whether or not our legs can make the small trip back to the wall where our bags lay. jaebum is the first to move, followed by mark, but i stay in my spot for a while longer than i probably need to before following further behind yugyeom to make my way back to my bag. 

it's silent for a while again then, all of us focusing on packing our belongings back up and getting ready to head home. but before i can stand and swing my bag over my shoulder, yugyeom gently grabs my wrist. i look over to him, my brows furrowed in confusion, but he only smiles.

"you wanna go get some food? it's not too late yet, and i'm really craving ramen." yugyeom says, and immediately after he finishes speaking, i grin in response.

every once in a while, yugyeom and i treat ourselves to ramen from our favorite place near the dorm. it's always nice, especially after hard practices like this. we go home, shower and get changed, and end our evening with a simple conversation over bowls of delicious ramen. no one even really recognizes us there, either. it's usually not busy, and even if we do run into someone, it's usually not the crazed type of fan that can invade too much of our personal privacy. 

since he got with jiyeon though, most free evenings after such practices have been spent with myself sitting back at home, and yugyeom spending his extra time hanging out with his girlfriend. it's no longer an unusual occurrence. 

yugyeom and jiyeon still haven't fully made up yet though. yugyeom's gotten a little better as far as his mood goes, but he definitely hasn't been talking to her as much as he usually does, and if i'm being honest, i don't mind that at all. because now, i'm the one yugyeom turns to when he wants to hang out with someone. just like old times, before he was infatuated with some pretty girl. 

"hell yeah. that sounds really good right now." i agree, nodding quickly. he chuckles at my eager response, but i don't feel very embarrassed because he has to know at this point how much i missed being around him. it's not only my crush on him that makes me enjoy hanging out with him. he's still my best friend, too.

"sounds like a plan then. let's get home and take a quick shower first though. i'm real gross." yugyeom says, furrowing his brows in mock disgust at his last comment. 

"oh yeah, definitely," i agree, nodding and trying not to act like i'm disappointed when his hand slips off of my wrist, "i need a shower too before i go anywhere in public." 

i shake my arm as if it'll start dripping water then, breaking into a grin again before finally reaching back down to grab my bag again. i hoist it up and over my shoulder, my eyes lingering on yugyeom for a split second before i turn my gaze away and we start to move forward, behind the other band members who have already begun to walk towards the exit. 

***

after our showers and once we both change into some comfy but presentable clothes, we leave the dorm and head outside, beginning our short walk to the ramen shop just down the road. it's later in the evening now, but it's not dark yet. only a cool breeze accompanies is as we walk, and it feels nice against my skin after the refreshing shower from before. 

at first, neither of us speak. we only enjoy one another's company, strolling down the sidewalk quietly, thankful for the calmness of it all. sometimes things seem like a lot to deal with, especially given our career and the problems that come with it, but it's because of those that we can truly enjoy moments like this. and i'm thankful i can, because under any other circumstance i wouldn't understand the weight of a single calm instance like this. i wouldn't appreciate walking with yugyeom to a simple ramen shop as much as i do now, and i want to appreciate this as much as i do now. i want to thrive in times like these. 

yugyeom finally talks after a minute of walking though, a small smile forming on his lips. "you know, i'm actually really excited to eat ramen with you again. i missed it." 

my heart beats a little bit faster at his words, and i smile myself, a little wider than his but not too wide so i don't seem too infatuated. if i was to show the extent of just how much every one of his words affected me, he'd definitely catch onto me. "i missed it too. i'm glad you asked again." 

he nods, his smile growing when he sees my own. he turns his eyes back to the path in front of us, but my eyes don't stray from him for one second, locked into his face and examining every feature as he speaks again. "i'm glad too... how long has it even been? since we last made a trip out here?"

"umm... i dunno. like, a two or three months, maybe? we stopped coming here often when you got with jiyeon. that was just over two months ago, wasn't it?" i question, furrowing my eyebrows in concentration. yugyeom furrows his own eyebrows at the question, but quite honestly, i'm not sure if it's because he's trying to remember their exact anniversary or if it's simply because i reminded him of her. 

"yeah, about that. our anniversary is supposed to be next friday, sooo... that'll be almost three months..." yugyeom answers, although when he pauses, i know he's not done. i wait patiently until he speaks again and finishes. "i don't even know if we'll last till then, though. she's pissed with me. i'm just waiting for her to end it with me at this point."

his words surprise me. we haven't had much time to talk like this alone, but even given that, he never opens up about jiyeon whenever they have a problem. he usually always deals with it himself, unless someone asks. and if someone asks, his problem then becomes their problem as well, because they'll be dealing with an already upset yugyeom that's even more angry because they asked what was wrong. 

i answer a few seconds after he speaks, regaining myself from the shock while trying to form the right words in my head. i don't want to mess this up. i should be the supportive best friend that he wants and needs. i shouldn't pry too much, but i should be there. "don't think like that, yuggie. i'm sure you guys will be okay. you've gotten through your fights before."

yugyeom sighs after i finish, and at first, i'm worried i might've said the wrong thing. when he swings his head back over to look at me, though, i can tell he's upset, but i doubt it's because of my response. he doesn't seem to be mad at me, he only looks... sad. he's just a sad and disappointed, innocent, little yugyeom. 

"we've gotten through small fights before. i'm telling you, bam, she's not having it this time. i've tried to explain things to her over and over and over, but she doesn't want to listen." yugyeom says, stopping once he finishes because we've finally made our way down the ramen shop. 

i fight back the urge to ask him to elaborate then, biting my lip and stepping through the door when yugyeom holds it for me. part of me wonders what could possibly be so serious. yugyeom's a good boyfriend to her, as far as i know. he makes as much time as he can for her, and he buys her things like flowers, and little gifts. i'd give anything for him to do that for me, so why is she so upset with him? 

i stay quiet as we make our way to our usual table at the back, assuming that yugyeom is following behind me. we settle at the table once we get there, myself slipping into the booth side and yugyeom pulling out his chair. he still looks pretty distraught, and i hate that there's almost nothing i can do to fix the problem. i can cheer him up, as i've been trying to do since they really fought, but i can't ever make him as truly happy as he would be if he and jiyeon just made up. i can't make him happy like she can. 

"why don't you try and convince her to let you take her somewhere? like maybe something even as simple as what we're doing. she'd appreciate that, wouldn't she? even if she's mad." i suggest, even though the idea of yugyeom taking her somewhere seems repulsive. they've been dating for quite a while now, but i'm still not over that jealous feeling i get whenever they go out on a date, even though i try to be. 

"i guess i could try that, but... given how mad she is, even if i insist, i don't know if she'd go anywhere." yugyeom answers, shaking his head as he looks down at the tabletop. 

i don't answer for a moment, debating whether i should ask why. it's already touchy enough, but i want to know. i want to know why jiyeon would be so mad i th someone who's perfect, as far as i can tell. he's been nothing but a good boyfriend to her. 

"why is she so mad at you? i don't understand what you did wrong. it's not like you're all flirty with fans or anything, and even if you were, she kind of signed up for it." i say carefully, but i'm happy that yugyeom doesn't seem to be offended by my asking. he just lifts his gaze, shrugging. 

"she thinks i don't make enough time for her." he answers shaking his head slowly after that. "i have no problem hanging out with her whenever i can, but that's the main issue. i can't. you know how busy we've been lately, between all the filming and practicing." 

my eyebrows furrow at that. is he serious? she's mad about that? 

yugyeom tried his hardest in everything he does. dancing, filming, singing, rapping, and he most definitely tries to upkeep healthy relationships. that's how him and i have been best friends for so long. we talk things out when we have problems, and we make sure to understand when the other might be going through something hard. but from what yugyeom is telling me, jiyeon does none of that. how can she not understand how busy yugyeom is? we're all practically walking zombies. 

"you've gotta be kidding me." i say honestly, my face sharpening into a glare for a moment before i soften it. i know she's being ridiculous, but i also know that yugyeom would still defend her, no matter how stupid her reason for being mad is– especially if i flat out said that she was being stupid. it's just who he is. "you spend all the time you can with her. you're a busy guy. plus, you guys should have some time apart any way. being together all the time doesn't lead to a healthy long-term relationship."

yugyeom's gaze drops again after that, and i listen to him let out a small sigh as he nods. "i know." 

he doesn't say anything after that, and i take that as my cue to stop talking about the subject. i know it upsets him, and i hate that there's nothing i can do about it. 

i wish i could tell him how i feel. if i could just do that. if the idea of it wasn't so crazy and out of the box, maybe, just maybe, i could gather up the courage to confess and tell him that i would treat him so much better. i would respect his space, give him time, and i would talk things out with him. i would never be a closed off, cold bitch who doesn't know how to be empathetic for longer than two seconds. 

thankfully, though, i'm able to bite my tongue and i don't say anything more on the subject, even though i want to. i just sit and let yugyeom think for a little bit before a waitress walks up to our table. it's the same lady we usually have whenever we show up, and she smiles brightly at the both of us before speaking. "ah, the two playboys are back at it again. it's been a while since i've seen you two around."

i chuckle at her comment and usual nickname a little bit, glancing over at yugyeom to see if her arrival has made much of a difference to him. thankfully, he seems to be more cheery at the sight of her. she's such a bright person to be around, and yugyeom and i have gotten to be decent friends with her due to how many times we've come around. "yeah, we've been pretty busy. the company's got our schedule about as packed as they can get it."

i nod in agreement to the comment, turning my gaze back to her before speaking myself. "it's been crazy lately, but i'm glad we were able to finally come back. i'm looking forward to some good ramen."

"well i'm glad that you two could make it back. it's been way too lonely and boring around here without you guys. too quiet." she lets out another small laugh after that, pulling out a small notepad and pen from one of her pockets. "the usual, or are you in the mood to try something different for once?"

"the usual for me. it never fails to hit the spot." i answer, grinning afterwards before looking back over at yugyeom. "what about you, yugs?"

yugyeom manages another smile, keeping his eyes locked with mine for a second longer before looking down at the menu in front of him and pursing his lips for a second. he speaks a few seconds after, lifting his gaze to look back at the waitress with a smile once more. he looks so cute like that, even in such a simple moment like this. "i'll try something different this time. what about the spicy pork miso?"

"sounds like a good choice to me..." the waitress answers, scribbling our order down on the notepad before clicking her pen and giving us a bright smile again. "i'll have it right out for you guys in a few minutes. water to drink?"

"yep." yugyeom and i answer in unison, turning immediately to one another afterwards and locking eyes. we just stare for a moment before bursting into laughter, and the waitress only shakes her head and chuckles in response before beginning to walk back to the kitchen. 

we manage to calm down a few seconds later, neither of us really understanding why something so simple was so funny, but grateful for the relief anyway. laughing like this is good, even at something stupid. we deserve to just take a mental break and enjoy ourselves, and dinner continues on like that. the waitress even comes and sits near us for a few minutes before going back to work. it's nice, and we thoroughly enjoy the time together. i missed being able to hang out with yugyeom without him worrying about jiyeon, or talking about her, or texting her. it's just me and him, enjoying ramen and giggling about stupid things, like we used to. 

it's horrible of me, but in the back of my mind, part of me hopes they won't recover from this fight. yugyeom deserves better than that. he doesn't deserve someone who doesn't understand him, or understand what he's going through. even if it's not me, he deserves anyone else but her. 

i only want him to be happy. i want him to be in a happy, healthy, and safe relationship, not like the one he has with jiyeon. jiyeon makes him more upset than she does happy, and i wish he could see that. i wish he could realize just how detrimental she is to his well-being, because i hate seeing him so torn up over something she did. something she did that could've been easily prevented if she'd just step back and realize how much she's hurting him.

but of course she won't. that's how people are to yugyeom, i've realized. they take advantage of his easy going personality, and they step over him. they get whatever they want out of him because they can, and i hate that. i've seen it with jiyeon, and with any other materialistic girlfriend that yugyeom has ever dated.

i want the best for him. i want him to be able to enjoy his life, not to be held back by some girl who can't even realize that she isn't always yugyeom's top priority. he still has a life, and they need to realize that. he's committed to his career, too, not just them. 

i think about all of this as we begin our walk back to the dorm, neither of us really speaking anymore because we're both full and out of things to say. the only thing i have to say is my opinions on jiyeon, but i know i shouldn't. no matter how much i want to tell yugyeom that she isn't worth it, i can't. because somehow, to yugyeom, she is worth it, and nothing can change his view on that any time soon, so why should i bother trying? i know he'll never love me or anyone else as much as he loves her right now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this might feel kind of rushed, but i rewrote it 3 times, so please just bare with me. nothing else should be as hard to write as this was.

“bambam? you okay?” 

my eyes are lifted from my lap over to yugyeom, watching him as he runs a comb through his hair. his eyes are set on me, his gaze unwavering, and i can see the worry clouding his expression. it’s comforting, but i feel far too shitty to truly appreciate it.

i haven’t even gotten out of bed yet. i sat up at least five minutes ago, but i’ve made no motion to move. i’ve just been sitting and staring until yugyeom spoke.

“i feel like i’m gonna throw up.” i admit quickly. i throw the blanket off of me after that, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and forcing myself to stand. i’ve been sitting like a zombie for the past ten minutes, so i’m not surprised he asked about me, but i need to get ready if i’m ever going to allow us all to leave on time. 

i walk over to my dresser, pulling one of the drawers out rather aggressively before shifting through it to find something comfortable to wear. i know his eyes don’t leave me. i can feel him staring, that worry still adamant in his face, but i can’t bring myself to comfort him. i do feel crappy. i don’t blame him for being worried. 

“maybe you should ask jaebum to tell the manager that you don’t want to do the fansign today?” yugyeom suggests quietly, and when i glance over my shoulder to look at him, he averts his eyes when mine meet his. he knows i hate that. 

“i can’t.” i answer simply, retrieving my most comfortable pair of jeans. i know i can’t completely scrub it, but i plan to get about as close as i can get. 

“it’s not that you can’t,” yugyeom answers, pulling a jacket over his shoulders and turning to look at me again, “it’s that you don’t want to. you know none of us would blame you, right?”

i only shrug, stepping into the jeans and zipping and buttoning them before continuing my search for a suitable shirt. “i can get through a simple fansign.” 

they’ve all dealt and pushed through much worse than this. jackson has anemia, and he still manages to make it through things like this. i’m not weak. i can show how dedicated i am. this group means more to me than nausea and a headache does. 

i pull my shirt over my head after that, ignoring the way my stomach rolls from such a movement. i grab my phone off of the top of my dresser, pursing my lips before giving yugyeom another glance that clearly says; ‘i’m fine’. thankfully, he seems to take the hint and he says no more, just pursing his own lips before making his way to the door and leaving the room. i let out a sigh of relief once he’s gone, and now that he’s not nagging me about my health, i manage to get around and walk out of the room myself too. 

everyone’s gathered in the dining room, shoveling pancakes in their mouths. this morning it’s jaebum who’s cooking, and even though his pancakes aren’t bad, they’re not the best and i’m not disappointed to be missing them. even if it was mark or jackson cooking something delicious, i don’t think i could manage to eat anything at this point. i’m trying my best not to throw up now, even with barely anything sitting in my stomach. so i just take my spot at the table as everyone’s finishing up, waiting for them to eat their last few bites of food so we can go.

“want some water, bam? you at least need to stay hydrated.” mark asks from across the table, giving me a worried glance. i shrug, but he slides his glass over water over the tabletop to me anyway, giving me a small smile before continuing to eat. 

i return a small smile of thanks before reaching forward to actually take a sip of the water. nothing in me wants to drink the whole thing, but i force myself to anyway, knowing that mark’s right. i’m not going to make it through the day if i don’t drink water. and thankfully, by the time i’m done, everyone seems to be finished with breakfast and getting up to put their dishes away. 

i stand when yugyeom does, lingering by the door while he rinses his plate. my head is pounding now, too, but i know there’s really not much i can do and i still refuse to give in, so i don’t even think to really mention it to jaebum as he passes me. he gives me a pat on the shoulder when he does, but i don’t move until yugyeom follows and i’m able to fall into place close behind him. 

this is usually how days like this go. i stick close to yugyeom at all costs, hanging onto him because he’s my lifeline when it comes to this. he keeps my head above water. if i feel like i can’t keep going, i hold onto yugyeom, and he helps me keep going. that’s how our friendship works. so i don’t leave his side when we pile into the van, pulling my legs up onto the seat and leaning right up against him once we’re settled. he reaches his arm around my shoulder, holding me against him loosely. 

it’s times like this where i really wish we were together in a different way. his friendship is amazing, but if we were a couple, it’d be double this. he’d kiss me, and hug me tightly, and tell me he’d be there for me no matter what. he’d hold me like i was his everything, just like he does to jiyeon when she needs him to. 

but the sad truth is that i know he’ll never hold me like her. he’ll never kiss me like her, comfort me like her. he’ll never love me like her, and i hate that. i hate the thought of that, and even though i’ve come to that realization so many times and accepted that, it never makes it any less painful. 

i wish i could just turn off all of the feelings and emotions i have towards him. i wish there was some button i could simply press, and then woosh. i wouldn’t have to worry about pining over someone who will never even know how i truly feel about them.

the rain starts a minute or so after we’ve finally turned onto the road. i hadn’t noticed the sky was that dark when we’d left the building, but i don’t really care about it much. the sound is kind of soothing, actually. i only push my head further into yugyeom’s shoulder and close my eyes. 

the darkness doesn’t do much to help my headache, though. i don’t know if there’s anything i can do to help it much, really. it’s just pounding against my temples, pushing against the back of my eyes, and making my stomach roll and twist in ways that i’d rather it not. i haven’t felt this horrible in months, and i’m not even sure where it came from. i don’t remember eating anything differently, and none of the others members had been sick like this recently. but i know there’s nothing i can do, so i just try my best to ignore it. i continue to keep my eyes shut firmly, trying to focus on how nice yugyeom’s hand feels on my arm, rubbing up and down for a second before moving up to massage my shoulder lightly. 

sometimes i wonder how he can’t realize what he’s doing to me. how can he not understand just how crazy things like that makes me feel? how sad it makes me feel? how desperate i feel?

i don’t really have much time to throw myself a pity party, though. we hit a bump in the road a few seconds later, and i jerk forward a little bit, gagging even though there’s nothing in my stomach left to come up. beside me, yugyeom immediately stiffens, and he shifts himself to face me and his hand drops to the middle of my back. 

“bammie?” he asks, his voice sounded slightly panicked. “bammie, do you think you’re going to be sick?”

“i’m already sick..” i mumble in response, although another bump sends me into a gagging fit and my eyes are forced open by this one. i definitely feel the worst of everything now. my stomach is cramping and contorting, and my head feels like it could explode. my whole body feels hot and tight and clammy, and for once, i actually want to throw up. maybe then i’ll get rid of this horrible feeling. 

“hey! can you be more careful, or pull over or something?!” yugyeom hollers to the driver, giving my back a few gentle pats before starting to rubhis hand up and down it. “i think bambam’s gonna be sick.”

i’m thankful for yugyeom speaking up, and because of yugyeom’s request, i don’t really think twice when the car swerves to the right, even though it doesn’t do much to help my stomach. i’m a little more confused when we swerve back to the left though, continuing at a steady pace, and jinyoung speaks up from the other side of me.

“what was that?” he questions, sounding slightly concerned, and i’m thinking the same thing. if he wasn’t pulling over, why would he turn so aggressively like that?

we don’t even get a beginning of our answer though. all of the sudden, there’s a loud bang, and i’m practically thrown to the side as the metal of the van creaks under the immediate pressure.the moment after impact, yugyeom practically throws himself onto me, his grip as tight as steel. i can feel his heavy heartbeat and breathing, his chest pressed tightly against my back. i’m only allowed to focus on it for just a second though because then there’s another loud bang, and more jostling and being tossed around the van follows. 

and in that instance, yugyeom’s grip loosens. i don’t notice it too much, though, because the van is sent tipping and tumbling down the slope on the side of the highway, and i can hear the breaking of glass and the deafening sound of crushing metal. i can hear the rain continuing to pound on us, slipping in through the cracks and openings that the rolling and the initial impact had created. and when we finally hit the end and come to a stop, i can feel it as shards of glass slice my skin. i can hear it as some pieces of the van give way, the metal letting out one last screech before giving in and crashing down. 

but i don’t feel the pain. in fact, i don’t feel sick, or under stress at all. i can feel that things have hit me, but they don’t hurt. i can feel blood sticking against my skin, but it doesn’t make my nerves tingle and my stomach churn. i feel neutral, almost. 

i stay still for a moment, though. i hold my breath, scanning my mind for any idea of what to do. what is one supposed to do in a situation like this? i sure as hell don’t know. 

we’re stuck. the van is tipped on it’s side, and i’m pressed up against jinyoung, who’s pressed on top of mark. they both have scratches on their faces, and jinyoung seems to be passed out. mark’s awake, but his eyes have almost closed and i know he’s out of it. i can’t tell if they’re too seriously injured or not, but i hope not. i don’t know what i’d do if i lost one of them because of this. what even is this? a car accident doesn’t even seem plausible.

my eyes turn to the row of seats in front of us, scanning over jaebum, jackson, and youngjae. none of them have their eyes open, either, but thankfully, i don’t see any of them with extremely life threatening injuries. jaebum has a nasty gash on his side and jackson has a deep cut on his forehead, but other than slices and bruises, nothing else seems to be impaled or horribly crushed. they seemed to have pushed themselves to the far side of the seat, away from the side that had taken the impact. 

after making sure they’re okay, i twist to look over my shoulder, trying to ignore the feeling of the sticky warmth against my back. yugyeom’s fine. he has to be fine, right? things are fine. this isn’t serious. this is just some small accident that we’ll all recover from. 

but it’s not fine. 

because the moment i look over my shoulder, i’m met with a cold, blank stare from yugyeom. his eyes are wide and glazed over, his chin resting lazily on my back and his jaw angled weird from how it lays. his chest doesn’t rise and fall from periodic breaths, and his arms lay limply around my own. and i know, it’s definitely not fine. how could it be fine?

because kim yugyeom is dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)))))
> 
>  
> 
>  
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> i’m a horrible human
> 
>  
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>  
> 
> i promise it gets better


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